


Sometimes i am not ok (and that's ok)

by Fizzipop



Series: Big Brother Wilbur [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: All Platonic - Freeform, Angst, Depressed TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Found Family, Gen, Good Older Sibling Wilbur Soot, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, Older Sibling Wilbur Soot, Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Sleepy Bois Inc as Family, if any of them are uncomfortable with this i will take it down, not really tommy's older brother, please do not ship them, stressed tommyinnit, thats not poggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28822071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fizzipop/pseuds/Fizzipop
Summary: So i was a watching one of their Rust streams and i just love their dynamic and AAAAAA.Anyways, i was hit with the inspiration to write this in the middle of Wilbur's stream.It's basically our favourite white boy, Tommy, being completely gone and our favourite older brother, Wilbur, has to step in.TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!Mental breakdowns,descriptions of depressive episodes,topic of self harm, (kind of)eating disorder, (mentioned)suicide is talked about
Relationships: Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit, platonic only, shippers dni - Relationship
Series: Big Brother Wilbur [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2118141
Comments: 3
Kudos: 331





	Sometimes i am not ok (and that's ok)

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THE TRIGGER WARNINGS ABOVE!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> also im so sorry i haven't updated my tommyinnit fic but i was working on this lol.
> 
> SHIPPERS DNI!!!

Tommy has not been doing so hot recently. Not that he wasn't hot; the ladies were still pouring in, but he just didn't feel.... motivated?

He didn't understand what he was feeling, just that it wasn't very pleasant. He was starving, but he couldn't make eat. The last thing he had eaten was some blueberries over a day and a half ago, and that was not helping his lack of energy. He didn't exactly know why he couldn't force himself to eat, all he knew is that whenever he thought of eating, an overwhelming weight pressed down on his chest, and he couldn't fucking breathe and he got so goddamn angry he wanted to punch someone. 

Yeah, he avoided thinking of eating at all cost. Actually, he avoided thinking in general. It was too hard, thinking of how he needed to have a shower as he hadn't had one in over a week.

(He hated showers. Tommy used to love them, the feeling of hot water calming his mind, but now it was too much, it made him want to cry and scream all in one. But he couldn't, so he would scratch and scratch until the once kind water stung his body so much he would cry anyway.)

He avoided thinking of streaming and uploading videos, the guilt becoming too much once he realized that people were actually worried about him. The one time he had checked his Twitter, saw hundreds of thousands of notifications, all of them being 'are you okay?' 'where are you?' 'what happened?', he had broken down, the walls becoming too close and the air too stale. Even Dream seemed to be worried, one of his tweets directed towards him, and another asking if anyone had heard from him. His discord was blown up with texts, everyone desperate to know what the fuck was going on with Tommyinnit. 

(He hadn't been heard from by anyone for over two months, no new videos, streams, posts, or tweets. He hadn't informed anyone, even those close to him, what the hell was going one.)

(He didn't know either)

His mom and dad were worried, constantly checking up on him, bringing him food, only for it to be there the next time they came in. He could hear them at night, whispering about him and what they should do. 

He didn't know what he wanted them to do. On one hand, he was so, so lonely and no matter how many times he told himself that he liked being alone and that he wanted everyone to fuck off, (he was so very angry, and he DIDN'T KNOW WHY!?)he knew deep inside him, he knew it wasn't healthy to stay inside all day, cooped up in his room, the blinds shut, curtains are drawn.

But he didn't care. He just wanted to be alone and for everyone to go away.

No, that wasn't right? He wanted to be hugged by his mom and dad, wanted to stream with Wilbur, Technoblade, and Phil, he wanted to hang out with Tubbo. He did, he truly did. But he couldn't.

He couldn't make himself text anyone, couldn't make himself go downstairs. It was all too much.

Tommy felt horrible. His emotions were all over the place, the most common ones were anger and numbness and an awful feeling he couldn't even begin to describe, that made him want to curl up and hide.

Oh, and the overwhelming urge to break into his parent's room and swallow a bunch of pills.

(His parents were smart enough to hide away all medication and blades the moment they started seeing Tommy going downhill)

He couldn't focus on anything, and he had sworn off social media after checking Twitter again and seeing #WhereisTommyinnit trending. (That made another wave of guilt smash into him, as he lied on his bed, the phone clutched in his hands, and it was suffocating). 

Most of the time he spent staring off into space, unable to ground himself, and sleeping. He preferred the latter of the two options the most, as he could slip thoughtlessly into blissful darkness and not have to worry about anything. It was an easy way to avoid the all the problems he had.

In the brief moments when he wasn't distracted, everything would hit him like a truck, and he'd be gasping for air and tears would be flowing down his cheeks and he'd be a disaster until he would pass out.

Yeah, Tommy wasn't doing so hot.

But that's okay, he could deal with this. 

(Who was he kidding, he could barely get out of bed, how was he gonna fix all of this? He doesn't even know what the fuck is going on)

He should stop now; stop thinking, but his mind raced a mile a minute. He was so goddamn confused, he can't do anything, and he wanted to die. 

Wait, what?

Nonononono, he didn't mean that he was just tired, he didn't want to die!

His eyes burned and his breaths were sharp, and he grasped at his shirt above his heart, and he cried. He sobbed and screamed, and his parents rushed up the stairs and into his room, asking him 'what's wrong?' 'are you okay!?' and he yelled at them to get out because he was so ashamed and he felt so pathetic and ohmygod, he wanted to die. He was curled into a ball, breathing in only short gasps and quick breaths, with his parents sitting on the end of his bed, tears of their own streaming down their faces, wondering what is going on with their son.

__________

Both of Tommy's parents had taken the week off work to try and figure out what was going on with Tommy. They didn't know what exactly was going on but knew enough to understand that Tommy's mental health was going downhill.

They had made sure that Tommy would be safe, locking up all the blades and pills in their room, but they really couldn't do anything else but give him their support. They couldn't make him eat or take showers, as he would breakdown at the mention of either, and school was out of the equation. Tommy's mother had called his college to inform them that Tommy was not okay, and he wasn't able to go to school for mental health reasons. His college had understood, although they said they would need a doctor's note to actually excuse him from school. 

So they had gone to their doctor and she had sent them to a psychologist near them. The psychologist had talked to them, but he could not prescribe them any medication for Tommy, without talking to the boy first. Tommy was refusing to talk to anyone, so his parents couldn't do much. The psychologist had recommended a therapist for Tommy, gave them a note for his school, and said to contact him if Tommy wanted to talk.

So here they were head in their hands, at the kitchen table. They had been like this ever since last night when Tommy had been screaming and crying. 

Tommy's father's phone rang.

He glanced down and raised a confused eyebrow at the name. 

'Wilbur Soot'

___________

Wilbur was worried. No, scratch that, he was scared out of his mind. 

Tommy was a fire, raging and burning, but also warm and friendly. But recently, Tommy's fire had been extinguished, leaving nothing but a burnt-out husk of himself. Or according to Tommy's parents, it had been building up for a while now, the fire becoming smaller and smaller without anyone noticing, only to be seen in hindsight. 

He had a nice long chat with Tommy's parents over the phone, after collecting all his courage to call Tommy's father. He still had his phone number after he and Tommy had met up. 

He had learned that Tommy was completely gone. Lost in his mind, his parents had put it. They told him of the countless times they had heard Tommy cry and sob in his room and informed him of the silent hours where Tommy would stare at the wall, blank eyes and stony face until he fell asleep. He heard of Tommy's strange anger, nothing like his sarcastic, funny rage on the Dream SMP, and his lack of energy to do anything besides lay in his bed and cry, even sometimes too tired to shed tears.

Wilbur wasn't sure what he was going to see when he got there, all he knew is that he had to go. So he put on his coat, grabbed his wallet, and headed for the train station.

His older brother instincts were kicking in.

~

He arrived at Tommy's house in the afternoon, the train stopping multiple times before reaching the station he got off of. 

He hurried up the steps and knocked on the door. Tommy's father opened it, a grim expression on his face. he opened it wider, allowing Wilbur to step in. They had a nice house, but Wilbur didn't care at the moment. All he wanted to do was see his little brother.

(He didn't care that they weren't actually related, he had bonded with him, and he has now adopted him as his little brother)

Tommy's mother rushed over to him, tear tracks clear on her face, she shook his hand.

"I'm sorry we had to meet like this, Wilbur, but I just really hope you can help Tommy. I'm not sure if we can help anymore..." 

She looked like she would burst into tears any moment, so Wilbur pushed on.

"It's okay, and I really hope I can help Tommy too. May I go upstairs?" He asked, desperately wanting to see Tommy.

Tommy's mother nodded her head and brought him to the stairs.

Wilbur ran up the stairs, two at a time, ignoring Tommy's mother breaking into sobs below. He walked down the hall and was met with a heavily decorated door that had a whiteboard screaming at him that this was Tommyinnit's room.

Before he could back out, he opened the door and stepped in. It was exactly how it was on streams and videos, except way messier. Empty Coca Cola cans were everywhere, and trinkets were thrown off shelves. Wilbur crouched down to pick up a figure. Wilbur recognized it as Technoblade, and looking around the room, he spotted multiple pieces of merchandise for Dream, Technoblade, Philza, Tubbo, George, Sapnap, Ranboo, and many more. There was even some of Wilbur !

Wilbur smiled and held back a soft laugh. Tommy really did love his friends. 

Then, his eyes were pulled to the lump of the bed. His smile fell and so did his mood. Tommy was curled up like a cat, a blanket pulled above his head and Wilbur remembered that Tommy was just a kid. No matter how many times he said he wasn't a child, or that he was a 'big man', he was only 16. No kid should have to deal with whatever Tommy's dealing with.

Wilbur took a step closer, and then another and another until he was right beside Tommy's bed. He didn't know what to do. Should he wake Tommy up? Was he even sleeping? He reached out and placed a hand on Tommy's leg, whispering "Tommy?" Tommy pulled down the blanket that was over his head and stared at Wilbur, wide-eyed. The first thing Wilbur noticed was the blank look in his eyes, there was a surprise in them too, but that faded into something more guarded. The second thing was the scratch marks trailing along his face, some trickling blood and some angry and red. He looked a mess, with puffy eyes and dark shadows underneath them. Wilbur couldn't believe that this was the same teen who laughs and jokes around with him.

"Wilbur? What are you doing here?" Tommy's voice was raspy and congested, and it made Wilbur wince.

"I'm here because I'm worried Tommy. No one's heard from you in months and- fucking hell man, some fans have theories that you're dead!" Wilbur's voice broke at the end, the last statement coming off a bit too harshly as Tommy flinched backward, wrapping his arms around his knees. Wilbur could see the glistening sheen of tears in Tommy's dead eyes.

"I'm sorry Wilbur, I just-" Tommy didn't finish, instead he put his head on his knees and sobbed. Wilbur froze, not that he was doing much moving in the first place, but his hand was still frozen above the place where Tommy's leg used to be before he pulled it up towards his chest. He was good enough with crying people, but this was Tommy. He had never even thought about Tommy being able to cry. (Which was quite stupid of him, now that he thought about it. Tommy was human, he was bound to cry. Especially since he ran a youtube channel and was a twitch streamer. He was bound to get hate, even more so with the way his persona was. It wasn't an excuse though, no one should ever hate on a 16-year-old.)

"Hey, hey, It's okay Tommy" Wilbur soothed, walking over to crouch beside Tommy, who sat near the edge of the bed. "You don't have to apologize, I shouldn't have been so harsh" 

Tommy shook his head and gripped his hair even tighter. "No, It's my fault. I've been ignoring you guys and, and-" Tommy broke into more sobs, gasping for air while Wilbur panicked.

"No!" Wilbur exclaimed, immediately regretting it when Tommy grabbed the blanket and threw it over his head again. Wilbur stared at the lump in the bed, unsure of what to do next. This wasn't Tommy. Tommy was brash, loud, always energetic. Not....whatever this was. Realistically, Wilbur had an idea of what was going on; it was pretty obvious to an outsider, but he didn't want to believe it.

He didn't want to believe that that's what Tommy is going through. He wasn't sure what he wanted it to be, but not depression. Wilbur knew how much depression sucked the life out of you. He also knew how long the road to recovery was, and that a few comforting words from himself wouldn't do much to help the internal battle that was going on inside Tommy. But if he could just get Tommy to fight, even just a little bit, it would help Tommy a whole lot. Judging the state Tommy was in, Wilbur guessed that Tommy had already given up, and he couldn't blame him. Wilbur knew all too well that depression was a bitch. Not to mention if Tommy had other mental illnesses.

Wilbur took a deep breath. He wasn't a doctor, wasn't a professional, but he wanted to try. He couldn't just leave his baby brother in a state like this..

"Tommy," He started softly, resting on his knees. "You don't have to talk, but is it ok if I do the talking?" 

There was a long pause in which Wilbur sat there silently, waiting for Tommy to give him an answer. Then a head peeked out from under the cover, dirty blonde hair and blue eyes.

Tommy stared at for a while, and Wilbur assumed he was contemplating whether or not he should answer. And then- a small nod.

Wilbur smiled and started to talk. He talked about his life; how he went to McDonald's the other day and ordered a cheeseburger happy meal, and then some teenage boys had laughed at him for it. He talked about how much he hated wintertime with the 'bitch ass snow' and 'freezing mother fucking wind', which got a small, amused huff out of Tommy.

He talked and talked about small, stupid things, making sure to leave out streaming and videos, worried that it would make Tommy feel stressed and guilty. He talked for a long time, and slowly Tommy started to sit up more, and pay more attention, and Wilbur got some more reactions out of him. An eye roll here and a small laugh there, made Wilbur's smile grow and grow until it was hurting his cheeks.

And then Tommy spoke.

"Wilbur," 

He paused with his rambling and focused on Tommy.

"Yeah?"

Tommy looked hesitant, and his eyes were shiny. Wilbur didn't push him to speak.

" _What's wrong with me? _" Tommy's voice broke and so did his walls, and out spilled everything he had worked too hard to hideaway.__

"I'm so scared Wil, I-I can't do anything and I'm so fucking angry all the time and I don't know why! And I don't like it, it's so sc- it's not very nice and sometimes I want to hurt people when they talk to me but- but! I don't want to! I swear! And I'm so hungry Wilbur, I'm so so hungry but my mind is telling me not to eat and I get so confused because I get so angry at myself whenever I eat, and ohmygod Wilby my body hurts so much and my nails are so sharp and there's dead skin everywhere- I feel so gross but I can't make myself do anything." Tommy gasped for air, clutching the front of his shirt, and Wilbur was frozen.

"And sometimes I have to stop m-myself from swallowing a bunch of pills Wilbur! I have to hold myself back from killing myself!" Tommy sobbed, and Wilbur knew he had to do something, anything! But he couldn't move, because his younger brother just spilled that he had thoughts of suicide.

Wilbur snapped out of it when Tommy started to scratch, and he lunged forwards to grab Tommy's arms. He held them even as Tommy struggled and cried and screamed at him, and then Wilbur started to cry. His eyes burned and his vision blurred. Hot tears dripped down his face and when Tommy noticed, he froze.

"Wilby?" Tommy spoke, voice hoarse.

Wilbur didn't know what to say, so he shook his head and grabbed Tommy's hand, wiping away his tears with his free one. Tommy glanced uncertainly at the older, before holding Wilbur's hand with both of his. Wilbur shook his head again and spoke,

"Tommy... listen okay?" Tommy nodded.

Wilbur took a shaky breath 

"If you ever, _ever_ need to talk to anyone, I'm here, okay? and so is Tubbo and Phil and hell, even Techno! I don't know what is going on in your head, but please know that we love you. We love you so, so much." 

Tommy's bottom lip wobbled.

"I'm not a professional, I honestly don't know how to help you, but try talking to one, yeah? It must be hard but don't do it for me, or for anyone else, just do it for you."

Tommy sobbed and collapsed onto Wilbur and he let go of Tommy's hand to wrap his arms around the younger boy and hold him tight. Wilbur cried with him, his tears falling onto Tommy's hair. 

"You're like my younger brother, Tommy" Wilbur whispered, arms tightening around the boy. "I love you" 

"I love you too Wilby" 

And they cried, together.

_______________

Tommy sat in his gaming chair. 

It has been two months since Wilbur came over and they both cried, a total of four months since his fans have heard from him. In the two months of healing, he had eventually messaged each of his friends individually and told them what was going on. Everyone had been overjoyed to hear from him, and all of them had gotten into a call and they had talked for hours, many people crying, Tommy included. A lot of them had apologized and promised to be better. None of them mentioned how Tommy had cried afterward. Tubbo had shown up at his door, much like Wilbur, and hung out with him the whole day, the two of them laughing and playing the whole day.

Wilbur had come over lots, helping Tommy clean his room and making sure he ate, and his parents had grown to love Wilbur like another son. 

Tommy had avoided going on social media for a while, scared of how his fans would react. But after Wilbur, Tubbo and all of his friends had reassured him that he would be faced with nothing but concern and love, he had built up the courage to stream again.

So here he sat, in front of his set up, on click away from starting his stream.

Tommy had grown so much in the past two months. he wasn't all better, not even close, but he was healing. He was talking to a therapist and taking his meds, and they were currently trying to see what had caused this. He had been diagnosed with Major Depression and General Anxiety disorder and was currently being tested for ADHD.

He loved his friends and family. They cared for him and loved him when he could not love himself. He was getting better, and he owed it to them.

He wasn't gonna get better with just his family and friends, however. He knew that. He had to fight. And he would. He would fight as long as it would take. There were still days where he couldn't get out of bed or days where he wanted everyone to go away, but he was trying. And that's all that mattered.

Tommy took a deep breath, and clicked.

"WELCOME BACK EVERYONE!!"

**Author's Note:**

> guess what. 
> 
> I just learned how to do italics :)


End file.
